As We Always Were

"Denial is when we think we can set aside old issues and build a new relationship with our parents. We tell ourselves that things will be different this time, that our parents have changed. What we're denying is our own feelings, perhaps anger or abandonment or betrayal. We're also denying the very real possibility that nothing has changed, that our parents will be just as they always were." Eleanor Cade

These words live in my sidebar.
I know they are true.
I know they are true.
I know they are true, but I still walk right into the ever-hopeful trap.

Monday afternoon, I called Mom to invite her to Meg's birthday dinner. I know she doesn't go for family gatherings, but I wanted to include her, the other grandparents were invited, it was Meg's 16th, blah blah blah. Her reply came immediately, "OH NO!" I felt it best to not prolong the conversation and got off the phone as quickly as I could.

Mom called later and left a long, pause-filled message. I listened to it over and over and took some notes, trying to understand. Here's the gist:

[in her frail phone voice]Hey, Gwen. Did I tell you [Nurse] Christy was here when you called? She was; she was in the neighborhood. So that frees us up tomorrow [to get papers signed]. And, and I'm... Gwen, please forgive me for being so ungracious about your invitation but you know, uh, I'm just, uh, I guess I'm slowing down. And you'll forgive me for not responding to Meg's dinner invitation, hon.

Hey, Gwen! [perks up] I do have a request. I'd like for you, when you're out shopping, when you have time, to pick out two tops and slacks for me. I'd look forward to a change in wardrobe. Oh dear, I seem to be hanging on. [Laughs] I'm apologizing for my good health.

[slows down again] But I'm still aged and limited. I think I'm going to use my age as an excuse to nege out [renege?] on Meg's invitation. I love her and you and..but you'll forgive. Thank you.

Gah. I think the thing that really twists the knife for me is that it is a choice. Mom goes to BSF and church and Friday night Fellowship Dinner. She is able to go. She chooses to do those things. She just did not want to be with me and my family. Here I was trying to figure out why Mom is being evasive, when maybe the simple fact is she just does not want to spend so much time with me and mine. Duh.

I know this is how it is. I need to stop expecting things to be different. I'm praying for grace and mercy.