Tuesday, October 9, 2012

So, It Turns Out

I'm more like my mother than I thought.

I don't like being weak.
I don't like being dependent.
I don't like having other people do my work.
I much prefer being the helper to being the helped.

Although I'm stronger after my bouts of pleurisy last month, I still struggle with fatigue. every. day. I haven't made it to church or work in weeks. I missed a weekend at the beach with my fine arts group from high school. I went to Nate's game last week, but that was a mistake. This past Sunday, Karis came and got me so I could say goodbye to our worship pastor and his wife and family after church, and I came home tired, sweaty, and pale. What is wrong with me? I need a nap after going somewhere for an hour?

My brain is tired too. It is hard to put words together. Conversation is wearing, and writing does not appeal. I don't know if the stress and strain of the past few years, and especially the last six months with Mom, have just weakened me to a breaking point, or if there is some medical answer. My doctor referred me to a pulmonologist, who declared my lungs to be just fine. So, back to my doctor, and now waiting on some more bloodwork. And I have an appointment with our functional medicine doctor coming up this month.

I'm taking Vitamin D. Magnesium. Probiotic. Multivitamin. Emergen-C. Vitamin B12. Basically, anything anyone mentions that might help. I'm eating super healthy with lots of meat and veggies, homemade broth, some fruit, and not much sugar. I really don't know what else to do.

I was surprised recently to realize it has only been three and a half months since Mom passed away. I kept counting the months over and over on my fingers to make sure. It seems like an eternity ago. So much has happened, but still I feel oddly inert, like I'm not making headway with life. I guess being sidelined for a month will do that.

Postscript: I called today and learned that my bloodwork results are on the doctor's desk, so I'm hoping to get some news tomorrow. Maybe some answers or at least some direction. This whole invalid situation is wearing a little thin.

Postpostscript: All bloodwork normal. Will see functional medicine doctor at end of month. Everybody else is out of ideas.