Off

Mom seems off today. As everyone was getting ready for church this morning, I heard one of my children stop by Mom's room. It was about 7:45 a.m. and Mom had not rung for me. She was out of bed, sitting in her wheelchair.

Child: [brightly] Oh, hi Grandma! Would you like to go out to the front window?

Mom: [piteously] No, I'm just waiting for my coffee.

And that's pretty much how she has been today. Pitiful. I don't know why.

Maybe she is feeling physically especially bad today. Last night was the first time her blood pressure was too low for lasix, so maybe she is feeling the effects of extra fluid. Or a host of other symptoms that she might not identify or vocalize. Mom has such a high pain threshold, she might be feeling a lot of pain and not recognize it.

Maybe she is unhappy to be lingering. I know she has lost track of time, and thought I had been tending to her for six weeks. I told her it hadn't even been two weeks yet and she was surprised. I know she hates that she has to have her diaper changed. I know she is concerned about me missing work.

Maybe it's just that we are all here. In her space. All the time. I do still try to be as invisible as possible, and only speak when spoken to (hey, kind of like my childhood), but I'm sure Mom is painfully aware that I am always here.

I tried to explain to Dave that Mom seemed weird. I had a hard time putting it into words. She seems small, and spacey. For example, when Mom needed to move from the red chair to the wheelchair in order to go back to the bedroom for a change, she didn't take her oxygen off. I asked if she wanted to keep it on and she said no, that wouldn't travel well. But then she just sat and didn't take her oxygen off. She seems checked-out.

After I lay down during Mom's afternoon nap, it occurred to me that Mom seems depressed. I know that is very common among the elderly and the infirm, but I don't know what to do about it. Mom did let me take her for a walk up and down the street again today, so that got her out and in the sunshine. She listened to a folk music cd from a friend of ours, and listened to one of Dave's sermons. She still loves her food, but is critical as always. So it is not like Mom has dropped all the things she has been interested in.

But she went to nap halfway through her Sunday program on Fox Network. And she didn't want to sit out on the porch, even though it was 72 degrees. She's not drinking her water and she's talking in an extra high-pitched voice. I just feel like something is weird, something is off. I'll ask Nurse Christy about it tomorrow.