Sunday, February 5, 2012

Weakening

This is the sixth day in a row that Mom has been noticeably weakening. Each day finds her sleeping longer, napping more, and doing less. I keep waiting for the upswing, and have to remind myself that there might not be one. In the past, Mom has responded to help and good food by getting stronger and regaining her independence. That doesn't seem to be the case this time around. I know things could change. We could wake up tomorrow and Mom could be mopping the kitchen and telling us to pack our bags. But it sure doesn't look that way.

And so I have to remind myself that I am not here to help Mom get better. I am here to help Mom go Home.

Today Mom learned of a grandmother of friends in our church family who, although seeming to recover from sepsis, passed away Friday morning. As I loaded the dishwasher after lunch, Mom said, "Well, it's good Lillian could die." I thought her sentence was incomplete. I waited for the missing words. I thought maybe, "It's good Lillian could die surrounded by her family." Or, "It's good Lillian could die and go to be with Walter." Or even, "It's good Lillian could die and not have to endure the long, hard recovery." I looked over at Mom to see if she was searching for words. No. That was it. "It's good Lillian could die."

I think Mom is tired of the good fight and feeling Homesick. And maybe a little jealous of her friend Lillian.

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