Sad

Mom has seemed tired for the rest of the week. She was too tired to join us for Karis' birthday dinner Wednesday night. She has dutifully called each morning and she seems happy to see me when I drop by. She even let Ev and me haul her to HEB for some grocery shopping. And her friends picked her up for the Fellowship Dinner at church last night. Nothing remarkable, really, just a slow week for Mom.

So why am I so sad?

It really caught me by surprise yesterday. I was at the optometrist for a regular eye exam, but also because my left eye has been fuzzy. (My brother had a detached retina recently and has put the fear in me! My eye is fine, just a build-up of white blood cells for some reason.) When the doctor came in, she was flipping through my chart and said, "I see you have some heart problems and cancer in your family history. Any changes there?"

I just froze. I know it was a standard issue question, but I couldn't bring myself to say, "My dad, who had a history of heart problems, died in August. My aunt, who had a history of cancer, died from a brain tumor in October. And my mom, who has a history of cancer, is dying from colon cancer."

So I told her there were no changes. Everything's fine. I'm pretty sure my eye health is not dependent on those disclosures and I'm pretty sure I could not have spoken those sentences without dissolving into a puddle right there in that weird optomotry chair. Everything's fine.

Last night, as Ev was reading a couple of chapters from The Magician's Elephant to me, she noticed I was teary. I told her I was okay, just sad, mostly about Grandma. She patted my hand and kept reading. Sweet girl.