Sad

Mom has seemed tired for the rest of the week. She was too tired to join us for Karis' birthday dinner Wednesday night. She has dutifully called each morning and she seems happy to see me when I drop by. She even let Ev and me haul her to HEB for some grocery shopping. And her friends picked her up for the Fellowship Dinner at church last night. Nothing remarkable, really, just a slow week for Mom.

So why am I so sad?

It really caught me by surprise yesterday. I was at the optometrist for a regular eye exam, but also because my left eye has been fuzzy. (My brother had a detached retina recently and has put the fear in me! My eye is fine, just a build-up of white blood cells for some reason.) When the doctor came in, she was flipping through my chart and said, "I see you have some heart problems and cancer in your family history. Any changes there?"

I just froze. I know it was a standard issue question, but I couldn't bring myself to say, "My dad, who had a history of heart problems, died in August. My aunt, who had a history of cancer, died from a brain tumor in October. And my mom, who has a history of cancer, is dying from colon cancer."

So I told her there were no changes. Everything's fine. I'm pretty sure my eye health is not dependent on those disclosures and I'm pretty sure I could not have spoken those sentences without dissolving into a puddle right there in that weird optomotry chair. Everything's fine.

Last night, as Ev was reading a couple of chapters from The Magician's Elephant to me, she noticed I was teary. I told her I was okay, just sad, mostly about Grandma. She patted my hand and kept reading. Sweet girl.

Ya Just Never Know

This afternoon, Ev and I stopped by to visit Mom. We noticed Mom's long driveway and sidewalk looked especially neat. I asked Mom if she had blown her drive and walk and she said yes! She said she had a "burst of energy" and "wanted to get ready for the rain." Then she laughed and asked, "Is that crazy?"

Crazy good! I love that she can get out and work in the yard. It makes her happy. She was so proud. Then she walked us around to show us the three closets she had emptied so Perry can clean and paint tomorrow. That was some burst of energy. She did seem really tired while we were there, but who wouldn't be after all that? What a woman.

It does remind me of Dad though. Remember how he would seem so frail and weak and then the next day do three laps around the driveway? Hmm. I'll have to make a list of ways Mom is reminding me of Dad. These things sort of fly around in my head until I write them down.

Insight

Yesterday afternoon, Karis picked up Mom to join us at Dave's parents for Easter dinner. We really wanted to be together, but nobody was up for a big to-do, so Dave's mom hosted and we brought the food: sandwiches. I'm not kidding! The deli counter lady told me Saturday that I was her best customer all day. I replied that probably most people weren't having sandwiches for Easter dinner. I thought it was great; everybody was happy, and nobody was worn out from preparations.

The insight came when we were all seated around the table to pray. Afterward, someone offered to fix Mom's plate. She avowed that she would fix her own plate, then added:

That's the problem with old age. People treat you like a baby!

He is Risen!

He is risen indeed!

We had a wonderful Easter Sunday. It was my turn to help lead worship. My friend Noelle suggested to our worship pastor that it might mean a lot to my mom to hear me sing some special music. Noelle and I sang this song. Such a thoughtful idea and she was right.

As we sang about Jesus' resurrection yesterday morning, I was struck with how many of the songs speak about not just rejoicing now, but about the joy we will have when we meet Him face to face.

When I stand, in that place
Free at last, meeting face to face
I am Yours Jesus You are mine
Endless joy, perfect peace
Earthly pain finally will cease
Celebrate Jesus is alive
He's alive

and


When with the ransomed in glory
his face I at last shall see,
'twill be my joy through the ages
to sing of his love for me.

and


No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

And that made me think that Mom is singing these songs with us now, but soon she will be celebrating with Jesus. Incredible!

Side Effect

A side effect of Mom no longer driving is emerging.

A really nice side effect.

Mom is reaching out to more people around her. For Bible Study Fellowship on Wednesday, Mom called a longtime acquaintance from the neighborhood. The sweet lady was delighted to take Mom and as Mom marveled, "She even brought me home!" For our Good Friday service tonight, Mom called her neighbor from across the street who is retired and looking for service opportunities. I offered Karis to chauffer Mom on Sundays, but she had already worked something out with friends.

Of course, people are delighted to help Mom. She has this special charm that draws people to her, even as she tries to send them away. I think it will be good for Mom to have more social contact and I know spending time with her is a bonus for anyone who gets the chance.

BTW, I'm taking Karis over today to pick up Mom's car. Mom has long talked about Karis having her car after she (Mom) dies, but she wants Karis to take the car now. Mom said, "If I leave the car in the garage, you know what will happen." I asked, "What will happen?" Mom replied, "I'll be tempted to drive it!" Now she is happy it can be a birthday gift for Karis. :)

Naughty, Naughty Mother!

This morning, I did not get a call from my mom. (Remember, she had agreed to check in with me each morning in order to stave off a caregiving invasion?) Nate and I headed over to the house as soon as I was finished with my only student of the day. We arrived around 9:30 a.m. and found the garage door open and water sprinkler running. Mom came to the door quickly after we bing-bonged and seemed reasonably happy to see us.

Gwen: Mom, you didn't call.

Mom: I knew you were coming over today, so I thought, Why call?

Gwen: Um, because you said you would?

Mom: (punches Nate in shoulder) Defend me!

Nate: I'm staying out of this.

We visited for a bit and then Nate and I left for a homeschool co-op activity. We arrived back at Mom's with Meg in tow around 1:30 p.m. Nate mowed, Meg moved wood chips, I wiped down college yearbooks (much to Mom's consternation..."I don't know why you want to keep those old things!") and started working on organizing/decluttering Mom's desk. Mom had a nap and then seemed to have more energy. In the morning, she had seemed weak and tired, even asking Nate to move her water sprinkler for her. After her nap, she said, "I'll move it. I know where I want it to go." We left to pick up Ev from school.

Gwen: So, you will call me when you get up in the morning?

Mom: Oh, I should do that.

Gwen: Here's the deal. If you don't call, we will get in the car and come right over.

Mom: Okay! I'll call!

Naughty, naughty mother! She reminds me of Karis as a toddler. Her independence was so very important that I would say, "Karis, if you don't walk right next to me, you will have to hold my hand." And so the little toot would walk right next to me! The ultimate threat: If you don't do what you are supposed to, you will have to have close contact with me. The stuff of nightmares for the compulsively autonomous.

Confessor's Remorse

Today Mom called me with a serious case of confessor's remorse. She had taken her last drive through town and was second guessing the idea of giving up driving. She was wishing she had never mentioned growing weaker to anyone, because then she could still drive. Happily, she talked with the hospice nurse, who reassured her that giving up driving was the best thing for her. Now Mom wants to know when Karis can come get the car.

Mom was also very unhappy with the idea of my brother Loren driving down to visit her next week. Loren had a little bout of detached retina recently and cannot fly for two months. Mom is concerned about his safety driving so soon after eye surgery. On the other hand, she was also unhappy about my brother Bill driving down to visit her. She wants to be alone. I posited that the boys might need to come for their own sakes, not just for hers; my brothers need to see their mama. Mom thought she might call and try to talk reason with them. *sigh*

And Mom has an alternate plan. She feels it would be good for her to fly to visit Loren for a couple of weeks; fly to visit Ruth and work in her garden; and fly to see Cathy's (Bill's wife) goats. She does not want me to travel with her. I asked her about walking through the airport and how that coincided with the doctor telling her not to walk alone through the neighborhood. She said she would take her walker. I asked how she would pull her suitcase. She said, "With my hand."

Oh my gosh. There is so much fundamentally wrong with this plan. I'm praying Mom will continue to realize how weak and tired she is simply with the activities of daily living, not to mention jetting across the country. And of course, I'm the travel agent; so when it comes right down to it, I hold the cards. I'm just not looking forward to being the boss again.