Leslie is a friend I've known for years. Really, she's a hand-me-down friend from my big brother and we only see each other very occasionally around town. Just this summer, I had the privilege of sitting down and catching up a bit with Leslie. When I posted about my "Mom Hurt", Leslie sent me this message. I've read and reread her wise, insightful words and asked if I could share them here. She generously said yes.
Gwen....I don't mean to butt in, but just felt the need to try to help you with some perspective. I too get caught with hurt feelings doing my all to help my mother, but I also work with older people and they do talk to me and share their thoughts and feelings...some they never even share with their own family.
For any older person there is a lot of pride in independence and when that starts slipping there is fear and anger....especially for a person who is usually used to control. The challenge is giving help while leaving them with a sense of control. That sense of control comforts and secures them through the declining process. It's NOT you.even though she's ready to go, she is not comfortable with the process.
When she makes those comments, liken it to your young child who throws a fit of anger that ends with," I hate you!". Do you throw your hands up and give up on that child?....no of course not. You recognize it for what it is. Inability to properly express what they feel. We expect our mothers to be the mature ones..understanding that we are trying to help and pat us on the head for our efforts. It's just that we need to understand that we are sort of in a role reversal and we need to be the mature ones.
Overlook those things. Continue to be with her and take advantage of the time you have left with her. The last thing you want is to look back and wish you had done things differently. Love her where she is. ( it is also reported to me that the last thing these folks want is for their children to see them this way and to be a burden to them.) It's always the closest one that gets the brunt of it. Find your joy with her where you can, recognizing that the disease ( and meds) will cause changes that are not her.
With help (Loren and sister) coming, maybe you can just be daughter and sit on the patio with her and the cat in quiet togetherness and peace. I've rambled on with good intentions. I hope you find something in all of this that will help and encourage you. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. It's a rough time. Find your joy.
Sincerely, Leslie
Thank you, Leslie.
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Good words. Bless you! I received a phone call from sil Martha, who was the primary care taker of Mark's mom. Oh yes, how did I forget the mean stuff her mother did in the last months (until she was bedridden, Martha says). Anger, grief, denial, and not wanting to be a burden. That's it. Hard to accept help, hard to accept the end. Then after acceptance, the time for final reconciliation comes, if there are days of lucidity. Hoping for that.
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