Tired and Fading

From Guest Blogger and Sister Extraordinaire, Gayle.

Today was slower. [Wednesday] Mom was pretty much worn out before 11 AM. She didn't even listen to her favorite radio program, because there was a guest host. That gave us more time for the activity of the day--mom made meat loaf and oven roasted potatoes while I read out loud to her from various chapters of the book she wants quoted at her funeral. She is trying to decide on which passages are to be used by Dave in his sermon. About one third of the book is underlined, so the task is harder than it might seem.

Sister Gwen with Nate and Ev came over bringing their own lunch of cabbage soup, while mom and I had meat loaf. The pleasant and lively conversation around the table was carried on by all but mom, who was in her "zoned out" mode. Her hearing is deteriorating, and it is a chore to keep listening, so she faded into the background. She did perk up a little and tell us that last night she wore her flannel pajamas and wooly socks from granddaughter Leah and stayed nice and warm. No night sweats last night, which we just learned are a sign of later stage cancer. Then mom said the quote of the day, "Did you know that withdrawing from people is a sign of approaching death?" It was all we could do to keep from rolling on the floor!

You have to understand that we come from a family of introverts, so withdrawing from people is as natural as let's say, breathing. Innate and instinctual, avoiding people just comes naturally around here!

But, it was a tough day, a day where she was aware that her body is nearing the end and the cancer is winning. Not pain, just a strangeness that she couldn't describe. A fog, even though she was clear minded. A weariness, a heaviness. She was remembering things she wished she had done differently, openly confessing her shortcomings. She was concerned about loved ones, concerned about difficult issues and even sad about the wild animals that had to be killed in Ohio. (OK, one to smile about is her worry that Gwen will hang pictures on the beautifully painted walls--such a nice paint job, you know). She is really ready to go, to be done with the little suffering she has been graciously afforded. She knows she has it easy compared to others, and she is very grateful--but just so tired...