A Plan

I called Mom today and visited for a bit. She said, "Happy days are here again!" It was nice to hear her so positive about Dad. :) She sounded excited about Ruth and Rich and family coming for Christmas, and asked if Ev and Nate could come decorate next week.

So, my plan is to call once a week on Mondays. I know Gayle calls once a week on Saturdays, so I would think that would be acceptable to Mom. We will go over one day after school next week for Ev and Nate to decorate, since Mom requested it. We won't go over unless Mom (or Dad) asks.

I don't know why I was thinking it would be palatable to Mom and Dad to see us and talk to us more often. I guess I was figuring that this was a different stage of life and things would be different. (Guess I was wrong about that.) From an interesting book by Eleanor Cade: "Denial is when we think we can set aside old issues and build a new relationship with our parents. We tell ourselves that things will be different this time, that our parents have changed. What we're denying is our own feelings, perhaps anger or abandonment or betrayal. We're also denying the very real possibility that nothing has changed, that our parents will be just as they always were."

And honestly I thought Dad's care was more than one person could handle well. (Still think I'm right about that.) In any case, we'll go back to pretending like everything is fine.

First Time Back

I heard Mom and Dad were in church this morning! I didn't see them, but I'm glad Dad was there. Church has always been so important to him. He hadn't been since his hospitalization in July and I know coming back was a big deal. He was concerned about being able to sit for so long (which seems odd to me...he sits a lot at home) and always said he thought he would go "next week". I guess next week finally came. Yea, Dad!

Slow Learner

I am, that is.

I think I am expecting too much. My idea was to share the load with Mom and have a relationship with her and Dad. They, on the other hand, want desperately to do this on their own and are happy to see us monthly when the pill boxes need refilling and the grass needs mowing.

Mom told me at the start not to come by. She said she would call if they needed me. I didn't listen then and here we are.

I think things need to be on Mom's terms. I need to honor her wishes. Maybe at last I'm learning.

Loud and Clear

Earlier this week, I thought I was hearing a Go Away and Leave Us Alone message from the folks. Today there is no doubt. Yesterday I asked Mom about getting together for Thanksgiving. She wanted to talk with Dad and asked me to call back today. This evening I called and asked again. Mom talked a lot about how well Dad was doing and what she thought they would have for Thanksgiving dinner. I listened and then asked:

Gwen: So, are you saying you do not want us to come over for Thanksgiving?

Mom: Yes, that is what I am saying. Are you comfortable with that?

Gwen: I am comfortable with the idea that you and Dad are fine on your own, but we had hoped to spend Thanksgiving with you.

Mom: We thought we would invite (insert neighbor name here). She doesn't have any family.

Ugh. My heart hurts.

I hurt as a daughter. Isn't it funny how no matter how old you get, your parents can make you feel like that little kid again? Rejection is never easy.

I hurt as a mother. The children each individually said that although going to Austin would be fun, they wanted to spend Thanksgiving with Grandma and Grandpa. Ev pointed out that this could be Grandpa's last Thanksgiving and she asked her class to pray that we could spend it with my folks. Mom knew this; I don't know if Dad did. I hate for my children to feel that sting.

I hurt for my parents. I don't understand the paths they choose. I pray for grace.

To Sleep Perchance to Dream

Last night I dreamed that Dad was lost. We searched and searched for him and I finally found him rolled up in a doormat of some public building. He was still alive but very gaunt and weak. He was like a little baby, so happy to see me and to be cared for. Very weird and creepy. I'm not even going to give thought to what it might mean.

I did talk to Mom today and she didn't say anything about Dad being lost, so that's good. They have an appointment with Ves tomorrow and I think an appointment with Nish (cardio) Friday.

Dilemma

Next week is Thanksgiving. I don't think any of my siblings are coming in. Dave's sister in Austin has offered to host his family at her house; Dave would like to go. My folks would be welcome to join us; my folks would never go. On general principle, I would want to stay home and share Thanksgiving dinner with my folks. I can't bear to think of them spending a family holiday alone.

Here's where it turns into a dilemma. Today I called Mom to see how things were going and to visit. (I've been out of circulation because I've had dizziness, headaches, nausea and fatigue. Went to the doctor today and he said I'm dizzy. Wow.) She said they were doing fine. She wanted to talk about her niece who called to say she was moving away from her mom (my mom's older sister). The niece thinks this is a good move because she "tends to tell her mom what to do." Okay. Then Mom follows up this story by telling me that when people at our church ask her how she and Dad are doing, she tells them: "We are doing great now that the kids are gone." Okay.

Maybe it's the dizziness, but I'm getting a distinct Go Away and Leave Us Alone message here. So, when a person sends you that message, do you just go away and leave them alone? On Thanksgiving? Really?

Which I guess is a microcosm of the big question here. When someone tells you to go away and leave them alone, do you do it? Even if you think they need your help? Really?

An Up Day

Mom told me today that she and Dad had lunch on the patio and stayed out for quite a while. She said yesterday Dad asked to go with her to the Coag Unit and pharmacy. That's quite a switch! I wonder if he has started his thyroid med? I'll have to ask. Maybe he will want to come to church tomorrow.