Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Foiled Again
Karis sent me this photo of two friends visiting with Mom today. So how's that withdrawal from society coming along?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Whispered Words of Wisdom
Leslie is a friend I've known for years. Really, she's a hand-me-down friend from my big brother and we only see each other very occasionally around town. Just this summer, I had the privilege of sitting down and catching up a bit with Leslie. When I posted about my "Mom Hurt", Leslie sent me this message. I've read and reread her wise, insightful words and asked if I could share them here. She generously said yes.
Gwen....I don't mean to butt in, but just felt the need to try to help you with some perspective. I too get caught with hurt feelings doing my all to help my mother, but I also work with older people and they do talk to me and share their thoughts and feelings...some they never even share with their own family.
For any older person there is a lot of pride in independence and when that starts slipping there is fear and anger....especially for a person who is usually used to control. The challenge is giving help while leaving them with a sense of control. That sense of control comforts and secures them through the declining process. It's NOT you.even though she's ready to go, she is not comfortable with the process.
When she makes those comments, liken it to your young child who throws a fit of anger that ends with," I hate you!". Do you throw your hands up and give up on that child?....no of course not. You recognize it for what it is. Inability to properly express what they feel. We expect our mothers to be the mature ones..understanding that we are trying to help and pat us on the head for our efforts. It's just that we need to understand that we are sort of in a role reversal and we need to be the mature ones.
Overlook those things. Continue to be with her and take advantage of the time you have left with her. The last thing you want is to look back and wish you had done things differently. Love her where she is. ( it is also reported to me that the last thing these folks want is for their children to see them this way and to be a burden to them.) It's always the closest one that gets the brunt of it. Find your joy with her where you can, recognizing that the disease ( and meds) will cause changes that are not her.
With help (Loren and sister) coming, maybe you can just be daughter and sit on the patio with her and the cat in quiet togetherness and peace. I've rambled on with good intentions. I hope you find something in all of this that will help and encourage you. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. It's a rough time. Find your joy.
Sincerely, Leslie
Thank you, Leslie.
Gwen....I don't mean to butt in, but just felt the need to try to help you with some perspective. I too get caught with hurt feelings doing my all to help my mother, but I also work with older people and they do talk to me and share their thoughts and feelings...some they never even share with their own family.
For any older person there is a lot of pride in independence and when that starts slipping there is fear and anger....especially for a person who is usually used to control. The challenge is giving help while leaving them with a sense of control. That sense of control comforts and secures them through the declining process. It's NOT you.even though she's ready to go, she is not comfortable with the process.
When she makes those comments, liken it to your young child who throws a fit of anger that ends with," I hate you!". Do you throw your hands up and give up on that child?....no of course not. You recognize it for what it is. Inability to properly express what they feel. We expect our mothers to be the mature ones..understanding that we are trying to help and pat us on the head for our efforts. It's just that we need to understand that we are sort of in a role reversal and we need to be the mature ones.
Overlook those things. Continue to be with her and take advantage of the time you have left with her. The last thing you want is to look back and wish you had done things differently. Love her where she is. ( it is also reported to me that the last thing these folks want is for their children to see them this way and to be a burden to them.) It's always the closest one that gets the brunt of it. Find your joy with her where you can, recognizing that the disease ( and meds) will cause changes that are not her.
With help (Loren and sister) coming, maybe you can just be daughter and sit on the patio with her and the cat in quiet togetherness and peace. I've rambled on with good intentions. I hope you find something in all of this that will help and encourage you. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. It's a rough time. Find your joy.
Sincerely, Leslie
Thank you, Leslie.
Sweet
Karis texted me this morning and I asked her if she had seen Grandma before she left for class.
Karis: Not when I left for school, but when I went between english and history (9:30), she was finishing breakfast and had showered.
We talked about grades and things, then this.
Karis: I don't think you should stop seeing Grandma. She doesn't like admitting she needs help and she doesn't like accepting it, but she really appreciates it and seeing you and the kids are big highlights to her.
We talked about Loren coming and then Ruth, and how Mom seems to be enjoying the change of people. I told her I thought this was a good time for me to take a break.
Karis: She [Mom] doesn't want you to stop being controlling. She just doesn't like that she needs it.
We talked more. Karis told me a Hitler joke (always appropriate). Then she asked me the sweetest question.
Karis: Does it waste too much gas to go home and check on Grandma between classes?
You know the deal where a kindness to your children is a kindness to you? It's the same with a kindness to your aging parent. And come to find out, it explodes exponentially when it is a kindness from your child to your aging parent.
Thank you, Karis. I love who you are.
Karis: Not when I left for school, but when I went between english and history (9:30), she was finishing breakfast and had showered.
We talked about grades and things, then this.
Karis: I don't think you should stop seeing Grandma. She doesn't like admitting she needs help and she doesn't like accepting it, but she really appreciates it and seeing you and the kids are big highlights to her.
We talked about Loren coming and then Ruth, and how Mom seems to be enjoying the change of people. I told her I thought this was a good time for me to take a break.
Karis: She [Mom] doesn't want you to stop being controlling. She just doesn't like that she needs it.
We talked more. Karis told me a Hitler joke (always appropriate). Then she asked me the sweetest question.
Karis: Does it waste too much gas to go home and check on Grandma between classes?
You know the deal where a kindness to your children is a kindness to you? It's the same with a kindness to your aging parent. And come to find out, it explodes exponentially when it is a kindness from your child to your aging parent.
Thank you, Karis. I love who you are.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program
Denial is when we think we can set aside old issues and build a new relationship with our parents. We tell ourselves that things will be different this time, that our parents have changed. What we're denying is our own feelings, perhaps anger or abandonment or betrayal. We're also denying the very real possibility that nothing has changed, that our parents will be just as they always were.
This quote from Eleanor Cade's book is permanently posted in my sidebar. I know it is truth. I know it is truth, and still I get sucked in to the hope of a different relationship with my mother. I don't know what my deal is. I really should know the sitch by now. Maybe I should read my own blog? Anyway.
As Gayle's time here with Mom drew to a close, Gayle started talking with Mom about letting me come to stay with her, or at least come in to fix her lunch. She reminded Mom of how much Mom enjoyed having her food prepared and served, and how she really hadn't been up to much activity. Mom protested that she had just "been lazy" while Gayle was visiting. As if to prove her point, on Saturday Mom scrubbed the kitchen floor. By hand.
Then after lunch, Mom insisted on washing dishes, something she hadn't done all week. By the time she sat in the red chair for a rest before dinner, Mom was really worked up. She kept telling Gayle, "Gwen is so controlling! She's just so controlling." Gayle said she kept coming back to it. "Gwen is so controlling!"
I'm sure that as an adult child caring for an aging parent, this shouldn't bother me. I know Mom is horrified at the thought of losing more independence. It is not new information that she wants to go out on her own terms. But it does bother me. A lot. Mom's words, as related to me by Gayle, really cut me to the quick. Why do a parent's words hold so much sway, even over their adult children? Are we forever looking for the blessing? I won't provide a link to the song that's playing in my head, because it would seem melodramatic. I'm heartsick.
Gayle left Sunday morning early. She is a road warrior in her Prius, driving straight through 13 hours to St. Louis. I saw Mom at church Sunday morning. I went over today to make some financial arrangements as requested. I did not linger and Mom did not invite me to stay. The hospice nurse will visit tomorrow and Loren will arrive late Wednesday night. He will stay for about a week and Ruth will come some time in November.
Me? I feel very, very done. I will help when Mom requests it, but I am done with checking, planning, anticipating, facilitating, coordinating. Done. I am now going to enjoy the blissful state of "Mom says she's fine."
Friday, October 21, 2011
After the Storm
Karis shared Mumford and Sons with me. I will be forever grateful.
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
Genius.
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
Genius.
On Loving a Stray Cat
Guest Blogger Gayle writes:
Our mother has had a remarkable life. She grew up on a farm in the Kansas flint hills, lost her father at age 2, rode a horse to school, had the same teacher in a one room school house for 8 years, helped her mother keep the farm going through the depression years with 3 other siblings, cleaned the chicken coop, helped harvest wheat, went on road trips with her family out west, graduated from Kansas State University, taught school for 2 years, ran a restaurant one summer in Sharon Springs, KS, went to graduate school, married a WWII veteran and they had 5 children together, enjoyed reading out loud to her kids, always loved to cook and bake and make the healthiest food, embraced learning new things, new recipes, hospitable, reveling in hard work!
An independent woman, not a romantic, but a worker and doer. And now her life is ebbing away and she doesn't have the strength to do and achieve. She sits and watches and waits. And along came a little cat, small and stray. When all she can do is sit and be, here is love, just happy to sit nearby and exist with her. Cat food appears in the grocery cart, a dish is set out and the relationship is cemented. They watch for each other, enjoy each other's company, and sit together for hours. Mitten arches her back and rolls on the patio and her mistress thinks she is the most beautiful creature! Joy, love, contentment.
Our mother has had a remarkable life. She grew up on a farm in the Kansas flint hills, lost her father at age 2, rode a horse to school, had the same teacher in a one room school house for 8 years, helped her mother keep the farm going through the depression years with 3 other siblings, cleaned the chicken coop, helped harvest wheat, went on road trips with her family out west, graduated from Kansas State University, taught school for 2 years, ran a restaurant one summer in Sharon Springs, KS, went to graduate school, married a WWII veteran and they had 5 children together, enjoyed reading out loud to her kids, always loved to cook and bake and make the healthiest food, embraced learning new things, new recipes, hospitable, reveling in hard work!
An independent woman, not a romantic, but a worker and doer. And now her life is ebbing away and she doesn't have the strength to do and achieve. She sits and watches and waits. And along came a little cat, small and stray. When all she can do is sit and be, here is love, just happy to sit nearby and exist with her. Cat food appears in the grocery cart, a dish is set out and the relationship is cemented. They watch for each other, enjoy each other's company, and sit together for hours. Mitten arches her back and rolls on the patio and her mistress thinks she is the most beautiful creature! Joy, love, contentment.
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